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Here we go again...

D&D Excerpt #7
Here is another in my series of brief excerpts Saturday D&D sessions. My notes were better for this one, so we'll see if that translates into a funnier report than my "reconstructive" work. Remember that our NPC "hench-cleric", Donner Lifesaver, is roleplayed by the GM, but a different player is chosen each week to control him in any combat situation. This week, the dice chose Omit.

[The following RPG gaming-session account uses character names rather than the names of the actual players in order to protect their identities, so that I don't have to ask their permission.]

GM: As you know, there were some key changes last week.
Verian Seth: Like turning Azheron/Malevaune's chain into a keychain... [Ed: From now on, I'm just going to use his character's first name, Verian, since he is the only one who bothered recording a last name, and it looks a little odd in the reports. Also, it'll save me 5-characters of typing every time he says something...]
GM: I'm just reminding everyone of the change to Enlarge, and reducing the effect of size-increase on reach weapons. Okay, Omit: describe your character.
Omit: He's an Archer Extraordinaire; there is no one better at shooting things and running away.
GM: No one better?
Omit: Absolutely.
GM: What about you, Balcoth? You are good at shooting...
Balcoth: No.
GM: But you have a bow, right?
Balcoth: I gave all my arrows to Omit after the fight.
GM: Why? You have fighter base-attack. You are good at shooting.
Balcoth: I have lots of things to throw.
Azheron: You could hit them with your elephant.
Balcoth: Yeah, Stampy can throw things too...

[Fast-forward a tiny bit...]

GM: So, last session not too much happened. I apologize for that. But anyway, Donner Lifesaver just delivered the final blow on the Demon...
Verian: No he didn't. He never even made an attack.
Omit: He couldn't beat its DR... not even on a crit.
GM: He can't do 10 damage with a mace? [Ed: on a 2x damage critical hit.]
Verian: He can't even hit that thing's armor class.
GM: [Doesn't miss a beat...] After assisting Balcoth to strike the final blow...

The PCs all roll their eyes, figuratively speaking.

GM: [Speaking for our Gnomish NPC cleric] "So, shall we head out?"
Omit: "I'll scout ahead", and I run 120 feet forwards.
GM: "I'll go scout with him."
Azheron: "He's already gone."
GM: "I'm not sure we should trust him to do our scouting alone... he tends to run away. If he encountered trouble, would he not simply disappear?"
Verian: "He is the most observant, stealthiest and swiftest of us all."
Balcoth: "He's best for scouting."
Verian: Right. Then I turn invisible and fly away.

[Ed: Omit's superior skills, Dexterity and Intelligence allow him to Spot, Search, Hide, MoveSilently and Tumble all with average skill checks of 30+, as well as his initiative rolls. Further, his movement speed is around double that of a normal human, not counting his boots of speed, and running a foot off the ground (with his Elocator hovering power) he ignores all terrain penalties. Verian's Ring of Invisibility has unlimited uses, the only limitation being that it takes an action to activate, and that it has to be reactivated every 30 minutes (so no sleeping the whole night invis). Lacking any such options, poor Balcoth and Azheron are stranded within earshot of the cleric.]

GM: "Well, the light of Pelor has granted us victory." [Ed: the cleric worships the Sun-god Pelor. Not necessarily a bad choice for a gimpy heal-bot, but GM didn't give us a choice of religion for him anyway. And GM loves to roleplay clerics as sermonizing, evangelistic... well, I shouldn't editorialize too much.]
Balcoth: [As unconvincingly as humanly or dwarf-ly possible...] "Right."
GM: "Perhaps this is a good chance to discuss the merits of the One True Faith...
Balcoth: I've got a ball-gag in here. [Referring to his massively full adventuring backpack]
Verian: Does it have a little window with an "8" in it? [Shakes his fist at an empty place around the table, as though singling out the fictional healer] Outlook not so good, b****!

The party progresses through the desert for another day of gametime, and are shocked that they are able to rest (and recover spells) unmolested for the second consecutive night. The next day, they come upon a familiar caravan. It had set out in the same direction as the party at about the same time. We had traveled with them for a while, fought off a necromancer and a rare blue dragon, then parted ways to travel on our own. We move a lot faster than a large trading caravan, but we also got sidetracked by many mysteries and dangers and it was funny that we had come full circle and were meeting up with the traders again.

GM: An outrider has spotted you guys, and he rides back from the caravan to approach you. "Is it? Could it be... Mighty Balcoth and company! It IS you. You must have many tales to tell, come join us, and share in our hospitality once more!
Omit: "And what is your name again, good sir?" [The caravan guy gives his name, and Omit records it in his notes. I don't want to add too many extraneous names in case the report gets too confusing.]
GM: But come, share a meal with us and tell us of your adventures. Truth be told, we have heard of many dangers of the desert since we parted ways, and have encountered some minor hardship ourselves...
GM: [Speaking now for our cleric, Donner:] "Pelor shine down upon you, good sir. It seems we are in good company."
Balcoth: [Mournfully] I only have one ball-gag... The Dufus NPCs are multiplying.
GM: Why can't you just be nice?

So we ride up into the midst of the caravan and journey with them a little further until it is time to camp down once more. They are provide us with a free meal and some extra rations, since we are all very close to the city of Aberia Del'fayr(sp?), the vicinity of which was kept safe by the city garrison and the protection of the wizard's colledge, and the caravan saw very little need for their emergency rations. We thank them for their generosity.

GM: [Caravan guy] You've all done so much for us. Perhaps mighty Balcoth could regail us with some tales of your adventures?
Balcoth: Man, why do I always get volunteered?
Verian: [In a helpful tone] I'm invisible.
Balcoth: The dufus NPCs are multiplying. I mean every time we meet somebody - chances are they're dufuses or badguys I have to kill.
Verian: Yeah, if you count both options you're approaching certainty.
Omit: I think the idea is that you pay with the story.
Balcoth: Can we just give them money?
Omit: Can I get some ammunition from them? I need 1000 arrows.
GM: Sure you can get some, and [the guy] directs you to a quartermaster, but warns there is no way they have 1000 to give you. The quartermaster meets with you: "Arrows? Sure. How many quivers do you need filled?"
Omit: "Three quivers would be great." [A standard quiver holds 20 arrows.]
GM: He sends someone off to get the ammunition from a supply wagon.
Verian: Man, you should have told them "just one quiver" and had them fill yours.
Omit: [Arches an eyebrow knowingly.]
GM: What's so funny?
Verian: You said they wouldn't give him like 1000 arrows, but they offered to fill his quiver. He should have held them to it.
GM: [Now he knows what Verian is talking about.] How many arrows does it hold?
Omit: A lot. [Omit has a Quiver of Elhonna, a magical item which is a lot bigger on the inside than on the outside. It's an extradimensional space with a huge capacity, but it costs less than the traditional Bag of Holding or Portable Hole storage devices because its shape only allows long thin items, such as arrows and crossbow bolts, spears and javelins. It does have the added benefit that when you reach in, whichever item you want is always the first you grab - no more time wasted searching for that small stack of Flaming Arrows or for your arrow of Mind-Flayer Slaying.]

Somebody, probably Azheron, got us back onto the topic of jerk NPCs, and all the usual culprits came up (unattended children are all druids in disguise waiting to Flame Strike us, blah blah, city guards demanding bribes and then complaining when Balcoth threatens to rip off their heads and... you know...). Eventually...

GM: That's not true, you've met many NPCs who were nice.
Verian: [In a "please help me" sort of voice] 'Oh please tell us a story, it will give us +10 on our next check to Scrye you.'
GM: [Gives a frustrated look.]

[Ed: Scrying is a form of divination (magic used to obtain information) that lets the caster actually see you, and the area around you, in real time (usually for a short time, say a few minutes). It fails if you can pass a saving throw, but the more information the caster knows about the target, the harder that saving throw roll will be, thus the more likely they are to be able to spy on you. Many of the villains we have faced have obviously scryed us (one group had cast Spell Immunity, an Abjuration which protects against a few specific spells of your choice which must be named at the time of casting, and they had chosen some of Verian Seth's more common debuffs and damage spells).]

Finally, the party reaches the desert "Metropolis" of Aberia Del-fayr. The city is ringed by slums, and as the party rides (and/or flies a couple inches off the ground) through the peasants, one comes up and offers to be our guide for a silver piece per day.

Verian: "I can assure you, we are quite capable of finding our way around-"
GM: "Come on. You gentlemen are so rich, what's a silver to you?"
Omit: "And what is your name?" [The peasant gives his name, and Omit records it in his notes.]
Verian: "It's a fortune for a guide we don't need."
GM: "What about you, good shorty sir?" [Dwarves are less common in these lands, and all shorter races (dwarves, halflings and gnomes) are known collectively here as 'Shorties': not intended as an insult, though it is quite insulting to Balcoth] "Your armor looks really valuable, I bet you have tons of gold. One silver is a bargain for you. I know this whole city."
Balcoth: "We don't need you. Get out of here before I cut off your begging-hand." [Actually, I made this line up; I can't remember what exactly Balcoth said, but this is close enough to show the tone.]
GM: "Hey, that sounds like a threat... are you threatening me in the city? That's against the law." A crowd is starting to gather at the commotion, or for some of them just because you are a bunch of wealthy-looking adventurers. "If THEY here about this, you'll be in big trouble."
Azheron: "Our friend here just has a strange sense of humor. He's from far away."
GM: The kid doesn't look convinced. "A joke? I don't think it was a joke. I think you'd better hire me, for one GOLD piece and for no guide-work. Then I'll just forget it ever happened."
Verian: "That sounds a lot like extorsion. I think that you are the one who underestimates the wizards that rule this city. If they can determine who threatened whom, I am certain that same magic would inform them of your blackmail. I think you'd best leave well enough alone."
GM: The kid doesn't know what you're talking about, but he's making quite a commotion, and there is a significant crowd by now.
Balcoth: Fine, I toss him a gold coin, then ride off.
GM: He lets you off then, but the other kids and peasants start asking: "I'm very sick", "I need money for food", "Please help me!" They are tugging at your ankles.
Omit: I'm going to hover up 10 feet to get out of reach. We need to leave town.
Verian: I will fly up 10 feet as well. Shouldn't we push forward into the better part of the city and ditch them that way?
GM: The crowd becomes more agitated - not like people who've never seen magic before, but it shows them that you guys really are that rich, and maybe dangerous. Donner pipes up: "Should we not help these people?"
Balcoth: "What the hell? No."
Azheron: "No."
Omit: Whatever. Let's just head back the way we can, leave town, then circle around and come at it from another angle.
GM: The people are tugging at your ankles, your pantlegs, begging... those of you on horseback, anyway. "Why not help them? We have so much and they have so little... It's only fair."
Verian: "Fair is a concept which can be defined in many different ways. We have so much because of the risks we take to protect people like them. To divide it amongst them would-" [Ed: he could probably go on like this forever, but nobody seems to care, so they cut him off.]
GM: "Pelor does command that we help those who are in need."
Balcoth: "Then you do it. I don't worship your god." [Truthfully, none of the PCs are particularly devout, but the rest are less forthright with regards that point - at least when speaking to the "guy who makes with the healing." Even if we'd rather not have him in the party at all.]
GM: "Are you forgetting? Through whose miracle were your wounds healed in battle?"
Balcoth: "1/9th share: that's the miracle." [Ah yes, that was the REASON that we'd rather not have the heal-bot in the party. As a henchman he costs one-half share of all the treasure and experience that we garner in our travels with him. Verian and Omit had previously expressed that they preferred to get a cleric through the "Survivor Island" scenario - in other words, first one to die (not counting Azheron) would have to make their next character a healer.]
Azheron: I start looking around for a rat.
GM: A rat?
Azheron: Yeah. If I see a rat, I'll hit it, at which point we'd have to roll initiative, enter combat mode, then Omit would take control of the cleric and we could make him just leave. [Remember: GM roleplays for the henchman, but one of us has full control of him for any combat situation.]

GM ignores that particular suggestion. As we turn around and retreat out of the city, the gimp distributes a gold piece (worth of small change) amongst the grasping crowd, who promptly swarm him, leaving the stingier player-characters alone. Soon (with a few "encouraging" words from Donner) the crowd is gushing praise for Pelor and his generosity. We leave the city, go around, re-enter the slums at a different point and get to the central core with no further trouble. As we approach the boundary between the slums and the city proper (aka the rich part of the city), we are stopped by a city guard. More likely it was several city guards, but we ARE supposed to be good guys, and we didn't really evaluate our combat options relating to assaulting the local authorities. We always wait to see how much they piss us off first...

GM: [Guard] "Hello travellers. You appear new to the city, have your weapons been sealed yet?"
Azheron: "Sealed? I'm not sure I understand."
GM: "We know that these are dangerous lands, and while we hope you are safe in the city, we understand the need to carry weapons for your own protection. However, drawing weapons within city bounds is permissable only in self defense. As such, all weapons must be sealed with a peace bond.
Balcoth: "A peace bond?"
GM: "It is a wax seal, applied where the sword meets its sheath, such that it will break if the weapon is drawn. All weapons must have the seal, or you will be called to explain, so that we may determine that it was used only in self defense. There is also a bond of one silver, which will be returned to you when you leave the city - with seals unbroken."
Balcoth: That's great. [Yes, he is actually enthusiastic about this plan.]
Azheron: You mean they aren't going to try to take all away all our weapons and his armor?
Verian: It's like the 'PC' tax. How many player characters do you think ever get their silver back?
Azheron: You mean leave the city without ever getting involved in any armed combat which they cannot prove to be self-defense? Probably zero.
GM: "We have a saying here: The rights of my fist stop at your face."

Each party member in turn has their weapons bonded, paying one silver (or in Balcoth's case, 1.3 gold, because it is one seal and one silver piece per-weapon). Azheron's character gets away without the bond, because his chains (wrapped around his characters shoulders and waist) aren't recognized by the guards as the exotic weapons they are, being mistaken instead for some bizarre adornment. As we go, the guard records the name and race of each party member.

Verian: "I am Verian Seth..." [Thinks for a little longer than is normal about the "race" question] "... and I was born human."

[Verian Seth (in this case I mean the character, not the player) is not religious, and his morals may not quite mesh with the more Good-aligned party members at all times, but he is VERY LAWFUL. He avoids lying whenever humanly possible. Now, he is smart enough that he is loathe to give out information which could be used to track him or his companions, but if ever he does give his name, he uses his real name. He has been a little secretive about his species - he certainly looks human, but it is well known to his friends that he hails from a different plane. He is in fact an Elan - a race/secret-society of former humans who have given up their humanity to be reborn with new, psionically engineered bodies, aiming towards perfection. They tend to be physically attractive, but the primary upshot of this process is that they are clinically immortal - they age VERY slowly, can sustain themselves without food or water (if necessary) via their mental energies, and their maximum healthy lifespan is indefinite. No hard limitaton. You may not care much about this stuff, but note that Verian found a way to answer the question without lying, but also without providing such personal information.]

Omit: "My name is Timo." [Omit, and once again I mean the character, not the player, is also not overly Good-aligned, but he isn't remotely Lawful either. He has no interest in giving anyone his real name, which displeases Verian Seth, but Verian generally does not complain because he has no trouble understanding the inherent logic of that choice.]
GM: "And your race?"
Omit: "What do I look like to you?"
GM: "I don't know. You don't look like you are from around here. It shouldn't be such a difficult question."
Omit: "In truth, I'm unsure of my parentage. My mother was human..." [Omit is a Tiefling, which is the term for a human with some degree of Fiendish (think demons and devils) blood. They have above-average Dexterity and Intelligence, but often display some minor physical trait that might give them away, and they certainly have something of a stigma attached to their heritage...]
GM: "You don't even know what your father was? Are you half-orc? Half-elf? Half-dwarf? This is just a basic record of the peace-bond, and so that you can get your silver back."
Omit: [SOOOOoooooo doesn't care about 1 silver piece. The scroll of Force Wall he expended last session was worth the equivalent of 11250 silver pieces...] "Just put half-human."
GM: [The guard doesn't seem overly satisfied, and we don't know exactly what he put down for "Timo", but he moved on.] "And you, sir Dwarf? What is your name?"
Azheron: Oh my god, he didn't call you "a shorty"!
Verian: I doubt that fact was lost on him.
Balcoth: "Balcoth. My name is Balcoth, the Dwarf."
Azheron: [With a touch of irony] "And I am Malevaune. I too was born human." [Azheron's new character, Malevaune the chain-mistress, is an Elan, just like Verian.]
Verian: Secret handshake! [Makes a stupid motion, like giving himself some secret handshake]
Omit: "And what is your name?" [The guard gives his name and asks that we call on him if we need any assistance in the city. Omit records his name in his notes.]
Balcoth: "Man, I love your town."
GM: "So, before I let you go, I must ask: What business have you in the city?
Verian: "We need to rest from our journey. After that, I expect we'll do some shopping, and there is someone we have to meet with."
Balcoth: "We have a letter to deliver."
GM: "May I inquire as to whom you intend to meet?"
Balcoth: "Dom Arod." [He runs the wizard's colledge in the city. We don't know too much more about him, although Azheron has some out-of-character knowledge from a previous campaign run by GM.]
GM: The guard looks a little disturbed. "All right then, well, have a good... day." And he walks away.
Balcoth: "Wait a sec. Why do you seem 'disturbed' at the mention of Dom Arod?"
GM: "Hmm? I don't know what you mean. But I really have to make my rounds now. Have a good day." He keeps walking away.
Balcoth: This is great! I actually try to interact with a guard, while you try to get away.
Azheron: That has to be a first in history.
Balcoth: "Why don't we follow with you on your rounds?"
GM: "It's a long patrol, it takes about two hours. I wouldn't want to waste your time."
Balcoth: "Hey, could you take Lifesaver with you?" [Anxious to be rid of the cleric, even for a short while...] "We could give you gold to babysit him?"
GM: Donner thinks that is a bad idea. He needs to stay with you guys. "I'm sure the Temple of Pelor will provide us shelter while in the city."

We progress into the better part of the city, looking for an inn before we do anything else. We are also looking for the Temple district in the hopes of pawning off the hench-cleric for the night. We come upon some other guards and ask for directions, and they help us as best they can (in truth, they aren't very specific, but they at least tell us how things are laid out and point us in the right direction). They refuse Balcoth's attempts to tip them. He couldn't be more thrilled. In the end, we find an expensive inn (bear in mind that far weaker PCs than us are still rich enough to afford expensive everything), and unfortunately Donner chooses to room there as well.

Verian spends the whole next day identifying and sorting the magic treasure we had accumulated (using divinations to discern item command words, quantify the power of enhancements, etc), so that they could used or be sold at accurate market prices. Balcoth starts searching around for a place to acquire some item that would allow him to fly when needed, and Omit sets out to find a fletcher. The best fletcher Omit finds (well it's the first one he found, but he had a nice shop) says he can fill Omit's 2000 arrow order within 2 days. Omit elects to get a mere 1000 arrows in one day instead (almost as though that is what he wanted in the first place...). He asks the Fletcher's name, and records it in his notes. All in all, we have finally reached the city, and nothing has gone wrong on our first night here. We break, to take up the quest again next session.